I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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