we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
