so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
you traded sex for a burrito?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
