Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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