so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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