I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She bit a glass in half.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
