i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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