Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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