I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
