ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
