if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
