Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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