Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Randomize
