my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
