This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
