The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He passed out mid-signature
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
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