i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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