You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
