I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Randomize
