I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
