I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
be right there i have to get my cape
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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