i wish peter jackson would direct porn
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
