Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
