My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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