You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
too bad you live with your parents still
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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