So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
