I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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