in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
