someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
