If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
