Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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