I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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