He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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