I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
