You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
