The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
