I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
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