I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize