It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
