everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
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