you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
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