all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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