There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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