Ambien. No doubt about it.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
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