i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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