No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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