I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
