i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
