U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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