lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
