sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize