she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
