I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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