my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize