we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
